The Contract

M and C want to conceive at some point. I know, right.

And, as much as M wants children,  he is convinced that during the pregnancy C will go crazy.  Like bat-shit crazy. He firmly believes that all the hormones, and the sickness, and the discomfort, and the weight gain will make her certifiably insane. Therefore, before said conception takes place, M wants C to sign an agreement; a contract, if you will, to keep himself safe from her rantings, ravings, accusations and impulses. He wants to be able to bring out the contract, at any given time, so that in the midst of her mania, she will logically be reminded of her agreement all those months prior.

"Baby, I just want you to do this beforehand so that Clear-Headed-C can talk to Crazy-C when she gets here" - M

I'm sure you'd all love to read the first draft:

Rule # 1: M Feher is not the enemy. Neither is he the devil, a jerkface, a beast, an asshole or any other terrible name. He is also not trying to manipulate you, control you, or torture you.
Rule # 2: Don't be angry at him when he is just trying to help.
Rule # 3: Doritos are not the answer.
Rule # 4: Ben and Jerry's isn't the answer either. (It never should be.)
Rule # 5: Staying active is the goal.
Rule # 6: No extremes: You cannot turn into a sloth who stays in bed all day and no running marathon's either. (C really has a hard time with moderation)
Rule # 7: Remember, its not always going to be like this. You are not going to die, the pregnancy will end and whatever you're upset about right now, probably isn't a big deal.
Rule # 8: You can, however, sleep as much as you want. (Like that's not normal life now....)
Rule # 9: M did not get you pregnant all on his own. Yes, at some point, you agreed to this, too.
Rule # 10: The name of the child, should it be a male, will be decided with a coin toss. (No one is budging on their respective names for a boy)

Now, some of you might be asking why M doesn't have to sign a contract. Its basically because we already know he'll do a great job. He's really good at doing the dishes, going to the grocery store in the middle of the night, carrying things for her...etc. And let's be real, if he doesn't, she'll raise hell.

In closing, don't jump to conclusions.  They're not expecting now. Or anytime soon. Don't ask. They're just, you know, preparing.