Staycation

M has been really busy lately. Which is understandable because he's been staying up till all hours of the night writing his end of term paper,  studying for finals and still working long hours. Therefore, He's been absolutely useless around the house and hasn't had any time for his gracious and loving wife, C.

Therefore, to make it up to her, he instituted a "staycation". M and his bride were going to spend the whole weekend together, with no interruptions, free from responsibilities and worries. They were going to sleep in and eat out. They were going to catch up on TV shows and, perhaps, take a walk on the beach. And by staying in their new home, they'd save money, too.

Sounds lovely, eh?

Well, I'm gonna go ahead and save you the suspense. That's not what happened. Not even close.

The weekend started out on the right foot: sushi. They ate their little hearts out and then decided to take a romantic dip in the hot tub. C sinks herself right in, as M follows after. The thing about M, though, is that his Iphone is in his pocket. Really, M? And that bad boy is beyond repair. All the rice paddies in the world couldn't save that phone.

Strike one.

So, instead of having a relaxing Saturday morning, the Feher's spend all day at the mall getting M a new phone, along with every other idiot holiday shopper a week before Christmas. That sounds like the worst idea in the world to me.

Strike two.

 After staying up late watching two seasons of Entourage (I guess they did cross that off the list), Sunday rolled around with the promise of redemption for the "staycation" they'd been dreaming of. That didn't last long.

 Around noon, C asks M to water the christmas tree, which is the catalyst that launches one of the weirdest, but not surprising, Feher debacles. Needless to say, he poured in way too much, and as the ensuing flood spilled to the ground, chaos erupted. M and C start yelling about saving the new hard wood floors, as C dashes into the hallway for towels. But, as the tree is situated upon a blanket and piece of ply wood, moving everything to dry up the water is quite the daunting task. M's trying to hold the tree as C kneels underneath with towels. M disappears into the kitchen for a  moment as the tree completely topples over. C is yelling at M and M is yelling at C. This dilemma obviously needs a different approach.

So, furiously, they start removing each and every ornament so that they can unfasten the tree completely from the stand. Once that task has been accomplished, M holds the tree up while C is still crouched on the floor drying up moisture as fast as she can. Then the calamity gets worse. C starts screaming. She's screaming and hopping around like a crazy person. Meanwhile, M is holding the tree unable to give any sort of aid. Then the words become audible, " I've got a motherf*&#ing tree in my eye! A motherf*%$ing tree!"

Strike three.

Good grief, Fehers. Get yourselves together.

The Contract

M and C want to conceive at some point. I know, right.

And, as much as M wants children,  he is convinced that during the pregnancy C will go crazy.  Like bat-shit crazy. He firmly believes that all the hormones, and the sickness, and the discomfort, and the weight gain will make her certifiably insane. Therefore, before said conception takes place, M wants C to sign an agreement; a contract, if you will, to keep himself safe from her rantings, ravings, accusations and impulses. He wants to be able to bring out the contract, at any given time, so that in the midst of her mania, she will logically be reminded of her agreement all those months prior.

"Baby, I just want you to do this beforehand so that Clear-Headed-C can talk to Crazy-C when she gets here" - M

I'm sure you'd all love to read the first draft:

Rule # 1: M Feher is not the enemy. Neither is he the devil, a jerkface, a beast, an asshole or any other terrible name. He is also not trying to manipulate you, control you, or torture you.
Rule # 2: Don't be angry at him when he is just trying to help.
Rule # 3: Doritos are not the answer.
Rule # 4: Ben and Jerry's isn't the answer either. (It never should be.)
Rule # 5: Staying active is the goal.
Rule # 6: No extremes: You cannot turn into a sloth who stays in bed all day and no running marathon's either. (C really has a hard time with moderation)
Rule # 7: Remember, its not always going to be like this. You are not going to die, the pregnancy will end and whatever you're upset about right now, probably isn't a big deal.
Rule # 8: You can, however, sleep as much as you want. (Like that's not normal life now....)
Rule # 9: M did not get you pregnant all on his own. Yes, at some point, you agreed to this, too.
Rule # 10: The name of the child, should it be a male, will be decided with a coin toss. (No one is budging on their respective names for a boy)

Now, some of you might be asking why M doesn't have to sign a contract. Its basically because we already know he'll do a great job. He's really good at doing the dishes, going to the grocery store in the middle of the night, carrying things for her...etc. And let's be real, if he doesn't, she'll raise hell.

In closing, don't jump to conclusions.  They're not expecting now. Or anytime soon. Don't ask. They're just, you know, preparing.